We had an assignment that was due in Tuesday’s class this week—we were supposed to write a short play involving just two characters, and there had to be a table and two chairs on the set, as well as a flower on the table. And the two characters had to have a problem between them, but they were not allowed to talk about it directly. It was an exercise in subtext. It was much more challenging to write than I’d initially anticipated. We didn’t get to hear all of them this week, but I did get to finally show my ten-minute play that was due a few weeks ago. I got some great feedback on that one. Once again, it seems like if I make a stronger choice for the ending, I could improve the entire play. We got through about half of the subtext exercise plays, and they were all so different. I love seeing how everyone can be given the same basic parameters and each come up with something completely unlike everyone else’s. Even just the flower on the table and how people have used it—we’ve already seen a fake potted flower, a daisy in a glass, and a rose in a vase, among other things. Mine is a dandelion in a plastic cup (yes, I know dandelions are weeds… don’t worry, that comes up in the script).
On Thursday, I had asked my professor if we could meet after class to discuss some questions that I’ve come up with as I’ve been working through my revisions on my full-length play. One thing I’ve struggled with my entire life is my self-confidence. I’ve gotten so much better over the years—you should’ve seen me my freshman year of college—but it’s still something I always have to consciously be aware of. I always get a little nervous in class that my play won’t be good enough, and I feel this horrible need to apologize to everyone in case it’s really bad. I know logically that there’s no need to apologize for my work and that I’m holding my own in class just fine, but those doubts always creep up into my head and I’m always working to suppress them.
One thing my professor said at our meeting which is helping me think about it in a new way is, “you have to start seeing yourself as a writer, and the class time is like your work time.” It’s not only that focusing on the “work time” aspects of it will help me put aside my insecurities and feel more like I do at work—where I know I have the training and skills to be able to get things accomplished—it’s the “think of yourself as a writer” part that is really affecting me. I’ve always had such a hard time describing myself as a “writer” or a “playwright,” because I felt like I didn’t deserve that title. Shakespeare is a playwright. Tennessee Williams is a playwright. I’m just “someone who likes to write plays.” I felt oddly arrogant claiming to be a “writer” when I had very little success to show for it. But my professor’s allowing me to see myself that way is helping me look at the workshops from a new perspective. Instead of worrying that I need to constantly prove to everyone (and especially myself) that I deserve to be there, I have to start just trusting that I belong there, trusting the work I already have, and focus on using the workshop to improve that work. I’ve been improving and learning so much in the workshops all year obviously, but I like having something to remind myself about when I feel the self-doubts creeping up.
I’m now officially on Spring Break, which for me basically just means that I have no class on Tuesday. Everyone who’s staying in town (almost the entire class) is still meeting for Thursday’s class, and I still have to put in 40 hours of work at my job. So it’s not really much of a break in that sense. But not having Tuesday’s class at least gives me more time to focus on my revisions for Thursday, when I’m scheduled to present some of my scenes again. It is definitely going to be a busy week despite allegedly being a “break.”